....What Should You Remember as You Read This Book?

First, realize that a mature black male wrote this book for a mature, open-minded, black female audience that is seeking the same type of man in a relationship.  In some areas, my criticisms are straightforward but never intended to be confrontational or adversarial.  You may want to say, “He says that as if black men are perfect . . . they are in jail and can’t keep a job but want to look down on and trash us.”  I get it.  I acknowledge our imperfections and recognize that the failures among many African American men feed into the internecine cycle that is tearing us away from each other.   As insensitive as it may sound, the negatives of black men are immaterial because your 70% single rate places us at a distinct dating advantage.  Oprah was right when she inferred there were more black women than there were datable black men.  The U.S. Census Bureau (2000) says there are 16,465,185 black males to the 18,193,005 females.    This book is for those of you who are open-minded and willing to entertain a different perspective in your dating approach. 

Second, many of the issues that I discuss are not unique to black women.  For example, in Chapter 2, I discuss women who loose their cool and “go off.”  Some may read it and say, “It appears that the author is unaware that black women are not the only segment of society where members lose their cool.”  I do recognize that people from all races, genders, and ethnic groups loose their temper—it’s human nature.  Although I realize that there are other segments of our population, black women are the subject and audience for this book, which is why I feel these observations are more relevant.

Third, don’t read into the words that I have written. There are no code words.  At some point, you will realize that I can be very direct in my perspective.  Behind my frankness is my sincerity that may sometimes anger you.  If it does, that’s fine.  Anger is often an initial response that gives way to retrospection in which you ask yourself, “What if he’s right?”  Self-reflection is the essence of self-improvement, which is something that we all need to do more.   But understand this . . . my words are not intended to hurt you.  In my opinion, too many of my brethren have elevated this practice to that of a sport, which my book will have no part of.  Seventy percent is a high number and this is my way of helping to get to the bottom of it.

Fourth, the words in this book are mine.  Although I feel that I have a pulse on black men on the dating scene, I do not speak for them.  We are too diverse and the subject of mate selection is too personal for one man to claim that he knows what we all think.  But the words and guidance that I share with you—critical at times, more clumsy at others—are because I’m rooting for you.  I want to see you happy and no longer single...

...The “Angry Black Woman” Mystery

The dictionary on my Apple computer defines stereotype as “a widely held but fixed oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.”  Stereotypes can be positive or negative and are commonly used in sexual and racial contexts.  The black community has been dealing with stereotypes for the majority of its existence in America.  As a black male, I find myself dealing with the unfair negative stereotypes that society often projects on us.  I also find myself amazed and downright angry with some of the negative stereotypes that we perpetuate, as evidenced by the material you see on Black Entertainment Television and in other elements of the entertainment industry.  Why some of us portray ourselves as thuggish, materialistic, and countercultural is a mystery that baffles me to my core—the subject of another book.  When people are afraid to sit next to me on the subway or cross to the other side of the street as I walk by, I sometimes wonder if the stereotypes about black men are as entrenched as those of the snake (Reference from an analogy earlier in the chapter).

I also find it puzzling why some women perpetuate the stereotype of the “Angry Black Woman,” which entails the eagerness to “go off” or “clown” on somebody when they feel they have been disrespected.  This has not always been the case, but now it is a ubiquitous image in movies, sitcoms, or the local Wal-Mart, which is not limited to lower-class society.  It is an unfair image of black women, projected by black women, to the pride and enjoyment of black women, and at the expense of black women.  It may be a desirable personal quality for some of you and many may think it is cute, but it is a complete turnoff to more men than you may believe.  If you reacted to my gross generalization of you in this paragraph, I included this generalization for a reason.  The majority of mature black men delineate between the mature black woman and your ignorant “drama queen” counterpart.  But all too often, it is common for distinguished, well-dressed black women to go ballistic.  Case in point: the earlier quote by Kevin Chappell claiming that Dr. Rice—hardly the image of a drama queen—has a propensity to “go off” when she is not respected.  Thus, when women of her caliber lose their temper, our delineation between the mature and immature woman becomes blurred and generalizations of you become easier.  The fact is that most black men realize the majority of you are not “angry,” but unfortunately many of us still find ourselves fighting this entrenched stereotype of you anyway...

...The Importance of Knowing How to Cook

So why is this so important?  There are a number of reasons, but my reason is somewhat personal . . . nostalgic may be a more appropriate word.  Like many guys, I can remember back to my earliest stages in life when my mom cooked dumplings, casseroles, and so many other country dishes. In the summers and fall, the house would smell of fresh vegetables cooking, harvested from our farm just hours before.   Every blue moon or so, a dish would not come out right, and she would just stare at it and say, “phooey, I don’t know what happened there.” Often—and always on our birthdays—she would bake cakes and give my little brother the rubber spatula to lick the batter, as my older brother and I would fight over the mixing bowl.  My brothers and I used to stay with my late Grandma Vanilla while my parents were at work, and she used to cook for us all the time.  It has been twenty years since she cooked her last meal and I yearn for a skillet of her cornbread, which no one has ever come close to.  We would jump up and down when she would bake molasses cakes and teacakes, and sometimes we would hold on to the back of her apron as she would shuffle through the house like a train engine with her three little grandkids in tow.  She would take us on walks in the woods and pick blackberries, which we would later use to help her make fresh blackberry cobbler.  I often look back and smile on these fond childhood memories. This is why I could not date a woman who was incapable of providing these wonderful memories to our children because she is unwilling to learn how to cook, even if I tried to teach her.   Society could say she has the potential to be the best mother and wife in the world, but not for me—I prefer a woman who can help create these types of memories for our children.  I will help her, as I want to be part of these memories, too...

. . .The Advantage:

Up until this point, I have assumed that you are a decent, single mother who cares about the future of your family.  This is important because one observation that I noticed in the forty or so countries where I have been: everyone respects mothers.  In some places, if a guy says something inappropriate in the vicinity of a mother and her child, he will get a sharp rap to the head from one of his buddies.  In some of the circles that I have traveled in, someone disrespecting a mother—especially in the presence of her child—automatically loses his two front teeth and is thrown through the closest window.  These sentiments are fairly universal, albeit without some of the violence.  Therefore, as a single mother, Market 3 men generally have a good opinion of you; you just have to take it to another level. It is imperative that you recognize that most mature men look for women who will be good mothers for their children, like their moms were for them.  Herein lies your advantage, if you are perceived as a good mother, this can attract a potential mate while counteracting the negative social stereotypes attached to your single-mother status.  The catch is, a “good mother” is relative to his interpretation, period.  Some may view this as unfair, but it is no different than your evaluation of a perspective husband using your father as a reference.

Before I move on, I would like to clarify something: I am encouraging you to be aware of how you are perceived in order to avoid men who will waste your time.  I am not implying that your child is an impediment to a successful relationship.  Moreover, I am not suggesting that you use your child like a soap opera prop in order to get a man. Although there are some women who may be comfortable using their child in this fashion, most women do not and most men would walk away if a woman used their child in this manner.  You cannot hide the fact that you are a parent, nor should you.  But we are acknowledging that by having a child, you inherently have a deeper dimension to you that some men may find comfort in and you shouldn’t be afraid to allow him to see it...